My Immortal Commentary
by TheONEwhoWritesStuff
Summary: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's another commentary on the worst fanfiction of all time: the infamous, the terrible, "My Immortal"! Join me as I comment on this atrociously horrid excuse of a story!
1. Chapter 1

Here's my shot at the infamously horrible fanfic, "My Immortal". May Merlin have mercy on my poor, misguided soul.

Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)** (Hahahano.)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way)**(Unnecessary. And just a tad offensive. Oh who am I kidding. This whole story is an offense to all freaking humanity.)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(Obviously she didn't do a great job. Raven, why you no learn your ABCs?)**U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(Poor Justin. And "Meh-Kerr" certainly does rock, whatever the hell that is. Stop abbreviating. Please.)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way** (Long names? Two can play at that game! My name is Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la...okay I'll stop.)** and I have long ebony black **(Same thing.)** hair (that's how I got my name) **(Wow really? I honestly couldn't tell.) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears** (How does that even work?) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(Well shit, I'm stuck.)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(*Cough*Incest*Cough*)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(Straight teeth? What the hell kind of vampire are you? And I'd hope your teeth are white. Unless you don't brush. Nasty.)** I have pale white **(Same thing!)** skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(Scotland, you mediocre dunce. Scotland.)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)** (No shit Sherlock.)**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(*Sigh*)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.** (I didn't know Hot Topic was "gothic".)**For example today I was wearing **(Oh God.)** a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **(Right, cause that's totally a goth color.)** and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **(You're already pale!)**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining** (Funky weather.)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **(You should be. Most vampires I know burn to a crisp in sunlight. Wait...SUN COME BACK! SUN! SHE'S EXPOSED!)** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.** (Well aren't you just a charming ray of sunshine and lollipops.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(LE GASP!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.** (Draco? Shy?! That's it everyone. Pack your bags right this instant. The apocalypse is upon us.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Well that conversation was pretty much pointless.)**

AN: IS it good?** (No.)** PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!** (Obviously she didn't help you with your ANs.)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(Psst! Keep it up preps aka normal people.)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.** (Well, where else would you normally wake up? On the ceiling?)** It was snowing and raining again. **(Damn weather, get your shit together!) **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.** (Completely normal behavior I suppose in Ebony's universe...)** My coffin was black ebony** (For the last time: same fucking thing!)** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on **(Oh god, here we go.)** a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings **(Congrats Ebony. You're a walking pin cushion.)** in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(Fascinating.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(She woke up, grinned at you, and ****_then_**** opened her eyes? Ebony, you have some fucked up friends. That's just creepy. Then again, so are you. A match made in heaven!)** She put on **(Don't care!)** her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner. **(Wait, but isn't it raining and snowing? Why the fuck are you putting on so much make-up then? It will all just wash off...oh fuck it.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Yeah, cause goths totally say "Ohemeffgee!")**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(You can't blush, you ignorant slut, because no blood runs through your veins!)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.** (Just like that. From underneath the lake to the Great Hall in two seconds. Impressive.)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Jesus, she was just asking!) **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(Uh huh. You totally don't like Draco. And it's flirtatiously, not 'flirtily' whatever the hell that is.)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.** (Such stimulating conversation.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(A Muggle band playing at Hogsmeade? Man, the wizarding world really needs to up their security.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(Of course they are.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(Draco going to see a Muggle band?! My father and his father will hear about this!)**

I gasped. **(Dramatic ending!)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **(Be glad that they're just "flamming" and not trying to hunt you down with pitchforks.)** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(Honey, they were probably being sarcastic.)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte **(Thank the Lord for small favors.) **

On the night of the concert I put on **(And we go through her entire fucking closet once more.)** my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on **(Ebony, has it occured to you that I honestly don't give a crap?)** a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **(Um, lace?)** on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky **(How the hell did you manage that? What are you, part porcupine?)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(Again, completely normal behavior.) **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(Ebony, you are a vampire! You can't bleed! I repeat. You. Cannot. Bleed.)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **(She didn't just put on black eyeliner. No, she put on TONS of it.) **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(It took you two chapters to figure that out?)**. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(You should really see a therapist...)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Draco, give that car back to the Weasleys right now mister. Stealing is against the law in both worlds.) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) **(Sure Ebony. I'll take your word for it.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Depression and exclamation points do not mix whatsoever. Unless you're Ebony, I guess.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **(Irrelevant.)** and flew to the place with the concert. **(*Snort* Your geography skills are lacking.)** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(The future role models of Wizard society. Wizarding world, you're screwed.) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(And plummeted to your deaths since he didn't actually park the flying car on the ground, right?)** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **(Apparently not. Dammit!)**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song**) (Thank God.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **(Why the effing hell would you say that on your first date?!)**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(Well aren't you a clever one.)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(How comforting to know.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Oh God. You are butchering one of my favorite Slytherins. Tara, stop. Tara, stop it. Tara, seriously. Stop. Tara. Seriously. Tara.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Talking smack I see. And let's not be too hasty to point out flaws you slutty, attention seeking, pompous buffoon.) **

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. **(Pfft, love how she adds that after a second thought and didn't just put it in the first sentence.)** After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled **(Jesus, how much did you guys drink?) **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(DUNDUNDUUUUUUN!)**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**(Well Tara then you spelled your own character's fucking name wrong because for the last 3 chapters I could have sworn her name was EBONY.)** nut mary su OK!** (Of course not, silly. Her name is Enoby. Get it straight!)** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(When and where exactly? In fanfiction hell?)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Yeah! Going into the Forbidden Forest is strictly forbidden! Unless you're here to murder Ebony and hide her corpse. Then by all means, please go on ahead.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.** (And died, right? Cause walking out of a flying car usually involves broken bones.)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(I'd be mad too. WHERE THE FUCK IS GRAVITY?)**

"Ebony?" he asked. **(Oh nonono Draco. Her name is Enoby.)**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)** (*Sigh*) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Cause obviously looking into someone's evil eyes makes you forget all about your problems. I should try that out on my nemesis.)**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(...Just as you what? Wait, what?) **Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **(How does one have a make out session sharply?)** against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(Ohmygosh! You're so hardcore!)** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **(No I -don't-know-what.)** and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. **(Um. Ew.)** I was beginning to get an orgasm. **(I'm beginning to vomit.)** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **(What warmth? You're dead! Which means Draco is a necrophiliac. Oh god...)** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **(New high found respect for Dumbles now!)**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming!** (Oh my god...she spelled flaming right.)** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(She spelled 'flam' in this one. Dammit Tara. So close...so close...)** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!** (Seems legit. I guess all the teachers at Hogwarts scream, "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" when they're not feeling well and all the students are hornballs.)** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(Well until 'revoiws' is an actual word, you're gonna be waiting a very long time.)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **(Unnecessary 'and'.)** He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(Awesome insult. Wrong word though. You're just insulting people who listen to Ludacris.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(That's not healthy...) **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(I would be too. Students and their hormones. Always having sex and shit.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Pfft, sexual intercourse.)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Haha, another awesome insult!)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(Aw. No cool insult from Snape.)**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(What. The. Hell?)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(That's it? If I used that excuse at school I would get detention, suspention, and my mom would slap me into another race.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into **(Fuck.) **a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(Who the fuck wears heels to bed?!) **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **(He shouldn't even be able to get to your room. Doesn't the girls dormitory have some barrier that doesn't allow guys in?)** We hugged and kissed. **(Thank god for PG content. Probably the only one in this story.) **After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!** (Liar. You'd update anyway because you love killing people's brain cells.)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin.** (Really? Cause I tend to wake up in a bed. You know, like a normal person.**) I put on **(Don't care.) **a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **(So you dress slutty on a daily basis. We get it.) **I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **(But you're a vampire. Why would you put crosses in your ears?)** I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **(Don't the teachers notice this odd behavior?)** and a glass of red blood. **(I hope you bloat from all the blood you drank, you ludicrous fool.) **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(HA!)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(I've noticed you always shout angrily. Why don't you shout 'furiously' or 'venomously'? Use another bloody adjective!)** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(Wait, ****_you _****were going down his face? Ew...)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **(Oh God.)** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(Please don't do this. Nononono please don't.) **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **(No he doesn't.) **He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(The only sicko here is the person who decided that that sentence was even supposed to be read by human eyes. Keep your perverted and fucked up thoughts out of the story. PLEASE.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, **(I hate you.)** although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(Whoa there. Calm the heck down.)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(He giggles...Harry giggled...like a little school girl. Tara you ruin every character you can get your hands on.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Shh. Shh, Harry. It's okay. We're all scared of her. Don't cry.)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(Like a lion! ROOOOAR! Wow Ebony you're more Gryffindor than you let on!)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(Damn did you even say goodbye? Rude.)**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 Bring me 2 life **(Oh hey there random and only chapter title.)**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(From who? Two year olds?)** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(Can't tell if she's trying to say"Ten good Vons" or "Tin Gods of Vons")** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(That makes it all the better, right?)** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(She's not the only one with problems. *rolls eyes*)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **(Yes yes Tara we all know you worry about Ebony being a Mary Sue, which she is by the way, but onto a more pressing matter...how the hell did she change nail polish colors in a blink of an eye?!) **I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco**. (The world doesn't revolve around you, slut.) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **(I don't think that's possible...) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **(But you already took off-fuck it.) **Then I took off my black leather bra **(Eww sweaty boobs.) **and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(...Into YOURS? You have a penis? Draco stuck his penis into a penis?! What kind of sick minded people are you?!)** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(Very. I don't even know where to begin.)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while gettingan orgasm **(Must. Resist. Tearing. Own. Eyeballs. Out.)** when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(The Dark Mark?) **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. **(Oh well never mind. Getting excited for just a little bit of accuracy for nothing.) **On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(...Le gasp?)**

I was so angry. **(What for? It says Vampire. Big fucking deal.)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **(Uh oh. She's on to us. Get the chainsaw.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"** (Why the hell did you feel the need to say that? And dumbass, you just had sex with him so you would get AIDS too! Bitches man, I tell ya.)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **(*Snort* Huffily.) **Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care **(You must care a little to even mention that. Get sex off the brain, Ebony.). **I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(Damn other people. Disregarded.)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.** (Ah, just a normal day in the life of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Fucking Way)**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing ok!**('Flossing', you mean? Don't tell me how to live my life!) **if u do de prep! **(Mkay. Preps, keep flossing your shiny teeth.)**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(Why? Seriously, why her? You're a free man, Draco. Run while you still can!)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(Chill the fuck out Draco. And how does one scream sadly?)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **(What the hell is up with you and these names?)** smiled at me understatedly. **(We all do, Enoby.)** She flipped her long waste-length **(Wait, ****_waste _****length?! Ew...poop hair.)** gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood **(Yes, blood tends to be a crimson color, Ebony. How quickly you catch on!)** that she was wearing contact lenses on. **(Why the hell is everyone wearing contacts?) **She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(Me no curr.) **Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **(Oh god. Not again! Please, don't do this.)** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch** (I'm going to guess the mother as we usually call the males 'wizards' technically, but whatever. Fuck the canon.)** but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **(Are you fucking kidding me...) **She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(Your terrible story and character development is making me depressed.) **It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(You are a very evil person. And why would you make her a Slytherin? She's muggleborn! You know what, fuck it.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(YAY! Snape has an awesome insult now!)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(How in Merlin's shaggy beard did he cheat on your slutty ass? He's dating you right now and we certainly haven't stumbled upon Draco and 'Vampire' doing the nasty.)**

Everyone gasped. **(Back to work, you ridiculous dimwits!)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(Whoa there. Random POV change going on.)**I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **(Unbreak my heeeeeaart. Say you love me agaiiiiin.)** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(You're just jelly.)** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(*Sigh* Canon Draco = prep.)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **(Seriously, why her?)** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(Haha! You lost your masculinity! I knew you were secretly a man!)** to Draco and then I started to bust **(Open into a million pieces, right?)** into tears. **(Damn.)**


End file.
